**This post is NON Stamping related** This is an AUTISM post Be forewarned.
I know there are those of you who written me notes saying that you relate to my blog because either, like me, you to have 1 or more autistic children or you have friends/family that do. I thank you for your kind words but today's post is definitely the "weaker" side of who I am as the mother of two autistic kids.
Zachary....my son......Here are words that I think of when I try to describe him...
Sweet
Loving
Funny
Smiley
Tall
Smart
Talented
That being said, today I sit here pulling my hair out. I'm sure my mom will read this and say, "Oh....NOT our Zachary!".... Well Mom....YES, our Zach. Our Zach is the one who has me sitting here not able to type fast enough to keep up with the thoughts in my head.
Zach rides the bus from the high school in the afternoon and is dropped off at the school where I work (about a mile away) He comes in and it's right at the end of our day so my students have packed up and are waiting for dismissal. Zach comes in...keeps his backpack ON.....and goes into our tutorial room and starts his list. What list?? What the 4 lists that he writes exactly the ssame every day. He lists all FOUR Disney Theme Parks and then makes a detailed list of ALL the rides at each part. (Their PROPER names....no shortcuts) That makes him happy so Woot! All is well until we leave school to head out for the evening.
Oh things are just fine and dandy IF I am heading STRAIGHT home. Do NOT PASS GO.... and make the same turns onto the same roads!!!! He makes comments over and over and over and over if I go different ways. Well, let me just say that I've NEVER been a mom that takes the easy route all the time. When he was younger he would cry the entire time we were at a very large shopping mall we frequently visited IF and ONLY IF we didn't park in the exact same lot EVERY time we went. So I decided I was going to NOT park there all the time....I was going to change it up and try to win a battle for once....."Take on for the team"....you know. I wanted him to get past it and be more comfortable knowing that no matter where we parked it would be ok and we would still go see his favorite spots inside the mall etc.
Well....eventually....and a LOT of gray hair later....it has worked and that is no longer an issue. (the majority of the time)
Ok....so I digress....but it's important for my rant.
Fortunately for me, the school where I work is surrounded by a lot of the stores, the bank and places that I frequent and it's SO convenient to be able to just stop there when I leave work at 3:15 on my way home to get things if I need them....make a deposit etc. None of those places are near our house and it seems ridiculous to me to take Zach all the way home and then have to back track. I mean SERIOUSLY??
So today I needed to stop at ONE place....JUST ONE PLACE. It happened to be Dollar Tree. I thought "Ok, it won't take me long and I'll buy him a bag of M&Ms and he'll hang on til I'm done and then we can go home." SUCKER!!! Boy, was I wrong. Now Zach doesn't really "Talk". He has some vocabulary and sometimes a word or two will come out that almost seems appropriate to the situation but that's not a given.
I have NEVER had a conversation with my son. Ever. Not having a pity party.....Just stating the truth.
So when we went to Dollar Tree it was a nightmare. Now he doesn't scream....he doesn't throw fits....but I can tell when he's NOT happy. I told him everything....prepped him....promised the M&Ms..... When I pulled into the parking lot in front of Dollar Tree...before I even got to the parking space....he reached over and unbuckled MY seatbelt. I said, "Zach! Don't unbuckle my seatbelt. You can unbuckle yours when I have stopped the car" I don't want him to start thinking he can do anything to the car while I'm driving. I have no clue what his concept is of what goes on in a car but I'm not sure I'd like to risk it.
Well that started it. He started repeating over and over "Don't do it! Mom do it...." Then he makes these squealing noises that while they aren't "loud" they will definitely draw a lot of attention when we are in public. All I kept thinking was, "Ok...I only have 6 things on my list....just 6 things....I can do this". Well he made sure it was NOT easy. All through the store...."Don't do it! Mom do it!.....squeal....squeal.....squeal........" etc. over and over and over and over and over again. No lie. So we got lots of glaring looks. I mean here's this 6'5" towering teenager who is obviously NOT happy. Quite a sight to see for sure.
I just wanted to scream. But what good would it do? He didn't understand what it was I wanted or what I needed him to do. He only knew that he was NOT happy and I was the cause of it.
I know there are a lot of you who read my blog and you know me personally and you'll understand what I'm about to say and not condemn or judge me for it. For the rest of you...I hope you can too.
Right now is just a time when I feel mad at God. What did I do?? What do you WANT me to do that I'm not? Just tell me!! I'll do ANYTHING.
I know....some reader's hair just caught on fire somewhere..... I am...I'm mad. And I think that's okay because God loves me no matter what and he loves me right where I am. I just want to yell, scream and cry and get it out so I can just get back up....dust myself off and keep on fighting this ugly beast called AUTISM.
Just a day.....ONE day...... 24 short hours.....That's what I want. If you can't show me a cure for this dreadful, hateful disease that has robbed our family of so much then just let me hear his voice and let him share his thoughts....his dreams.....his frustrations....ALL of it with me for just one short day. I don't need a fortune....I don't need to be famous.... I need nothing...I want.nothing....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING more than to talk to my son and have him talk back to me.
I've often said that when you have a child diagnosed with autism it's not something you mourn once and move on. There are many, many, many times (and a lot of them will sneak up on you) that will cause you to mourn the loss all over again. Things you take for granted with your other kids.....the little things. Today I find myself mourning. Sorry if that sounds dramatic or like I'm just being a wuss... it's just the way it is.
Just one day, God. Please?